Update on Me

I know I have not posted in a while.... here is story of my life.

I am currently 35 years old. When I was 33, I purchased my first home, it was not new, but it was mine. Two months later, I met the man of my dreams, Mike. He was good looking, caring, charming, the chemistry was there, etc. We got engaged and moved into together pretty quickly. We started working on the house together and I always felt like it was "our" house since he moved in two months after I owned it. In August 2010, I got the greatest surprise of my life.... I was pregnant. I have always dreamed about being a mother. In October of 2010, Mike left me because he was not so sure he wanted the family life, the child or me. For four weeks we worked through the issues and he came back home. In November of 2010 I started having complications with the pregnancy. I had a big cyst on my right ovary and some of my levels were off. So I opted for the Amnio. The results from the Amnio came back that our little baby was perfect in every way and she was 100% a girl. In the beginning of December, our little baby started to measure behind and they figured I had Inter Uterine Growth Restriction but they were not sure why and the cyst got so big that I had to go in for emergency surgery to have it removed. I remember being so scared because I was going to be put under and I was so worried about my baby. Good news - me and the baby came out of it perfectly. However, the weeks after the surgery - the baby started measuring further and further behind. When I was 24 weeks pregnant on January 10th, I was put in the hospital on strict bed rest because I have non-diastolic flow through the cord and the Dr.'s were afraid of reverse flow and it killing me and the baby. So at that point the Dr.'s told me I had 1 to 4 weeks before I delivered because of the shape of my placenta. So on January 21st, I had to have an emergency c-section and I delivered Payton at 3:44 a.m. She was only 15 ounces and 10 inches long. She was so small. She lived for 37 hours and died on January 22nd, she was just too small to make it outside of me. I checked myself out of the hospital on the 22nd and then on January 27th, when we picked up Payton's ashes from the funeral home, Mike walked out on me forever. It has been four weeks since Mike has left me and 5 weeks since Payton passed.